Becoming the queen of procrastination

Wowwwwwww!

So much for writing one blog per week and inspiring others with my journey to and through med school! Alas, life got in the way and I just stopped enjoying writing. I had made a commitment in the previous post, and the pressure of staying true to it really got to me. What if no one reads my writing? Why would anyone need another "mentor"? What if people choose to believe the intimidating image that has been painted of me instead of believing my writing? But that's not all. I had some real life adulting to do as well.

The past six months have been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I went into the battlefield with the bureaucratic system of Nepal as my challenger and came out scarred but also somewhat satisfied.  The fight or flight mode that my body had been on for a little over a month was followed up by a serious burnout, and to be honest, blogging wasn't even on my mind. It would have been incredibly pretentious to write about motivation when I was going through such a lull in my own life. My days were mostly: work, deal with anxiety related to the new workplace, new people, being away from loved ones, managing finances, trying to maintain a healthy diet and being active, basically anxiety about everything and then trying to fall asleep. Leaving behind the active life in Kathmandu where doing nothing also felt like doing something was and still is incredibly hard. Letting go of not knowing what's happening, eating whatever I felt like eating, meeting my friends, going to the farmer's market, cuddling with mom, riding my scooter, and everything else that had become a part of my identity over the years, made me feel incomplete. I felt lost in the little town that I would have to live in for the next two years. I hadn't been feeling like the Anjila that anyone would look up to or be proud of.

But, I realised many important things during this process, which is why I felt like writing this instead of the post I was supposed to write on the importance of bridge course, and also because writing this would mean I would actually write, and making myself write about bridge course would equate to no writing at all. So what did I learn during this period of mundaneness? I learned a little bit about happiness. I learned about the fickle nature of money and how easy it is to spend what you've spent hours working for. I learned that black coffee is a weak substitute for dudhko chiya that my mother makes. How drinking tea with her is what made it taste good, and I can't seem to recreate it, no matter however many liters of milk I've bought in the process. I learned that yoga really is my secret weapon to relieve anxiety and social media is a horrible lens to look through. I tried learning how to fight like an adult instead of yelling and crying like in previous fights I'd had. I learned how egotistic and fragile Nepal's political system is. But, the most important thing I learned was: happiness over money for now, and for as long as it's possible for me to choose this.

Many people have told me that I do not earn according to the amount of effort I put forth and the product that I deliver. I've heard people say, "If I was as gifted as you, I'd have earned so much money by now." And of course, my feminist self insists on thinking whether the reason I've been earning less is because I'm not a man. This with the added pressure of having to earn enough to support my USMLE journey had me breaking out in literal stress pimples. This stress did nothing except make my procrastination worse. It started taking the fun out of things that I used to enjoy. Then one day, I started wondering what life would be like if I happened to stop thinking about earning a lot of money? The results were magic. The human interactions that I had after that have been some of the best in my life, and the joy that I have been experiencing has also made me understand the importance of discipline. So, maybe later when I have a family that depends on me for money, I'll revisit this. For now I'm fine with cheap sunscreen, not knowing the best anti aging serum brands and wearing the clothes I have had for the past three years. I'll try doing this as long as I understand that I don't have to obsess over making money at the expense of  enjoying the benefits that come with being happy!